BADLY DRAWN MATCH REPORT #48 MANCHESTER UNITED vs MANCHESTER CITY

This is the story of Egg Woodward & his one man mission to redefine 'mediocrity' to a ridiculous degree. The Manchester derby was the perfect place to display that. This is his excuse...I mean story.

EW: The day began with an Instagram post from a United legend. Something about that video told me it was going to be a bad day but I do thank Eric for taking a little of the attention away from me. I did envy how quickly he got trending though.

EW: The press conferences were fun & I decided to try to chat with City's head coach. It was a pleasant enough discussion but when I started to walk off I mysteriously ended up on the floor. I chalked it down to my never ending battle against my own personal Moriarty, GRAVITY!

EW: I noted the controversy surrounding the squad due to recent results especially after we came unstuck at the Toffees! HA! That was an Everton joke...please laugh. After examining the P&L sheets I came to the conclusion that everything was fine.

EW: The match didn't go according to plan though. United started well enough but we let in two disappointing goals. DDG was bearing the brunt of the blame & I couldn't figure out why his form has taken such a dive. He did seem rather stressed though.

EW: I met up with Ole for a post-match breakdown. For some reason he had his shooting boots off & was kicking it around all over the dressing room. He assured me that this was another managerial tool that Sir Alex Ferguson happily used. Good to see he was learning from defeat.

EW: We lost the game but won the social media war. Nothing drives up engagement more than angry Utd customers. I was thinking about Gareth Bale when a large, hard object smashed right into me. I looked up & saw Eric uploading another Instagram post. Wonder what it was?